| i should really get off my ass and do something.. |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|03:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I'M WATCHING CORKY ROMANO! | ] |
IT'S SUMMER BABY!!
AND I'M A SENIOR!!!
:)
it's been a while since i've written in this thing.a lot has happened.
like mine and ryans 6 month anniversary, which was the greatest night ever. it was soooo sooo cute. he's amazing. I LOVE HIM!
we've been really good lately. i can tell that summer is going to be amazing.
but then sammy has to leave mee. but i will def visit him, he's like my big brother.
today is father's day and i'm sitting in my living room with my brother because my dad is pouting upstairs like a 9 year old. it's really mature of him. he came back from his weekend camping trip in the worst mood ever. gabe and him were in the backyard putting away the tent when he stromed in and said, and i quote, "i hate you, i hate you both, i wish i would have never makde you!"
thanks dad, happy father's day to you too.
i haven't been to a HWAC practice yet. which probably isn't good. becasue i've missed two meets. and i'm also going to be swimming long course this summer. kill me? maybe it will be fun, but i doubt it. haha.
last ngith ry, juje(jordan), and sammy came over and we roasted mallows and made yummy s'mores. it was like the perfect start to summer. and i can tell it's gonna be a great one!
except for hte fact that ryan will literally be working allll the time. poopy! but i'm proud of him for having that drive and what not. :)
i gotta go. i don't really have much else to say. and its sooo hot i want to go SWIMMING SO BAD!!!!
peace&love
<3Sarah |
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| boundaries are meant to be crossed |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|08:37 pm] |
WOW. so its been a whileee since i updated this.
WHERE TO BEGIN....
I'm a mess.
it's werid how i can go from good to bad to worse then back to good then to being perfectly happy with everything then it will just all start all over again.
and i don't know how to fix it. like i KNOW that therapy won't help not only because my therapist is a fucking psycho but because its more a mental thing that i have to deal with myself then a thing that another person can just help me to make go away. if that made any sense at all...
and to be honest theres really only two people in my life right now who TRULY understand me. and i only have the option of talking to//being with one of them.
these two people consist of my mother, who i miss very much so. and Ryan who i love with all my heart.
and while i know that my mom will always be there for me in the way that you know no matter what happens even if someone cannot physically be there for you they will always be with you in your heart helping you to decide what to do and what not to do. but i can still miss her right? tell me i'm not crazy, tell me its not stupid to after over a year still cry about what i've gone through and miss my mom and want her to be in my life. especially now, especially with all this relationship stuff and prom coming up, and all these weird friendship issues that i have been faced to deal with in the last 4 months. i just wish i had a mom who could take me out shopping and we could talk girl to girl and she could help me solve my problems. maybe deep down i'm jealous that all my friends have moms that they can talk to, and moms to come home to , and moms who cook them dinner everynight. what alot of people don't know is that, no matter how much i play it off like it deosn't bother me that i haven't had a truly home cooked meal in over a year since my mom has passed, it bothers me. and I WANT THAT. i want to be able to come home from swim practice in the fall and walk in the door and immediately smell dinner. and not have to worry about deciding where we are going to go to eat and how long i am going to have to wait to eat. i know it sounds stupid and lame, but its the little things i miss. not being able to kiss my mom goodnight, or call her after school to ask if i can hangout, or talk to her about boy problems, or GIRL problems for that matter, not being able to go prom dressing shopping with her. its just bothers me. and i guess it always will, in one way or another. and i just don't understand why? why me? why does it still affect me? when will it not hurt to wake up in the morning? and i know deep down that there are no real answers for these questions because no one knows really but still, wouldn't you just want to know why when you were 15 years old you had to lose your mother, the only person you could ever rely on to always be there for you, to always tell you that everything was going to be okay(even if you knew it wasn't) , the only person who could make your boo-boos better when you were little, the only one in MY house who would ever understand anything i'm going through(because i live with the 2 stupidest boys in the entire world). and i just miss her. i really and truly miss her. and as much as i would like to say that it doesn't bother me that everyone else has a mom to talk to and someone who will always be there for them to offer help whenever it is needed, it does. it reallyy bothers me. and i just want to rip my heart out and tell it to stop hurting. but i can't because i know that no matter what i do nothing i do will bring my mom back. and thats all i really want. I JUST MISS HER.
which brings me to ryan.
he's the only other person who understands me. i mean yea i have my best friends who i know will always be there for me but its just not the same. and its not like ryan can replace my mom. but ever since my mom died i've just been, not depressed, just not always happy. but ryan, he just knows exactly what to say when i'm feeling like the biggest piece of shit ever to make me smile, or feel better, or even laugh. and i'm soo soo lucky to have him in my life. he's theo ne person that i can go to with any kind of problem and i know that no matter what it is he will listen, even if he doesn't always know what to say, he'll still listen and try his hardest to help me work through it. he's me everything to me. and the one thing i fear most is losing him. i don't want that. i couldn't handle that. i feel like i've been with him for so long. and i can't picture myself being with anyone else. seriouslyy. it sounds so cliche but its true. i've found love. and i want to keep it just the way it is. we may fight sometimes but who doesn't..? what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
i just LOVE HIM.
and i love being with him.
school is sucking regardless.
i feel like its second semester of last year ALLLLL over again. which is so not good.
i NEED to fix this.
ughhh.
i wish life would just slow down for a minute and let me catch up. |
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| life's funny like that |
[Feb. 19th, 2007|02:39 pm] |
its funny how the people you thought would always be there for you. never were. and never will be. and how the people you never thought would mean anything to you, all of a sudden mean EVERYTHING to you. the people you never thought would be there are the ones you find yourself calling when tears are running down your cheeks and you need someone to tell you it will all be okay.
Life works in mysterious ways. Everything happens for a reason. and i somehow believe that everything I've been through was all worth it in the long run. all the hurt, the pain, the tears, the friendships, the boys, OH GOD THE BOYS. the friends i've lost, i obvi lost them for a reason and the friendships i've gained are the best I've had in a long time.
I'm really happy with where my life is now. i honestly didn't think it was possible. I mean after my mom died i didn't think it was possible to be sufficiently happy wih my life ever again. But i managed it. I handled what i was forced to go through to the best of my ability. of course I've had shitty times. WAY SHITTY TIMES. but in my opinion, I'm a WAY stronger person from it. you take what you go through, good or bad, and you learn from it. you use it to help other people with their problems. thats what i try to do.
For a while i was really dependent on hearing someone (mainly Rachel) tell me that it was all going to be okay, tell me that i could and would make it through all this. but now, i KNOW that i can do it. i have been doing it. and i plan on continuing to do it. i know i can make it through all this. High school, relationships, friendships, whether they are new or old, dissolving or growing. i know i can handle it. sure, sometimes its gonna be hard as hell. but i know its nothing i can't handle. and if it turns out that there is an issue that i can't handle all by myself i know that there are people in my life who will always be there for me and will be willing to help me no matter what.
and i never thought that anyone could love me. I'm such a mess. I'm the biggest mess of a girl EVER. but then there waas RYAN. and oh god, that boy changed the way i thought about everything. he made my self-consciousness disappear, he made me open up adn i trust him completely. with all my heart. and i can absolutely positively say that i am in love with this kid. and try being mad at someone who you can't get enough of. its realllllyy hard. we've been through so much and i can only hope that this relationship lasts a long long time. He's taught me so much about myself. and i can't thank him enough for it. he's also helpes show me that, believe it or not, NOT all guys are assholes. which is hard to believe, but htere are guys out there who actually respect and care about girls and how they feel. ryan just so happens to be one of the few. I REALLY LOVE HIM<3
I'm sooo ready for summer. this summer is really gonna be good. life changing. boundaries crossed. its gonna be AMAZING. I CAN'T WAIT. IT NEEDS TO BE HERE LIKE NOW!
Happy break everyone.
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2007|10:04 pm] |
sometimes all it takes is one person to be there for you to know how good you have it. and how lucky you are to have people like that in your life. the kind of people who care and are willing to talk to you about anything or wiling to just sit there and listen when you need them most.
ican't thank my close friends enough. (they know who they are) for just being there for me. for helping me realize that, yea its gonna be hard, but that i can do this and that i can't give up. I NEED TO DO THIS. I NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS. and i will.
I DON'T want to be like my brother. i don't want to waste my life nad become NOTHING, a nobody, useless. iwant to be somebody and i know that i am somebody.
I'm just so scared that somewhere along the way, i won't know what to do. but at the same time - i know have poeple in my life who will help me figure out what i should do.
:)
<3 |
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| gotta love MICHIGAN. |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|08:49 pm] |
yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!
TWO "COLD DAYS" IN A ROW.
wheni found out sunday night when jessica called me. i thought it was just too good to be true. BUTT then last night I'm at the mall with natalie and i get a TEXT from erica and a CALL form jessica saying that there was no school AGAIN todayy, iw as just SHOCKED.
I mean honestly berkley NEVER closes. i rememer last year htere was like 5 inches of snow on the ground and we STILL had to go to school.
seriouslyyy.
but hey, I'm not complaining.
I LOVED THESE TWO DAYS OFF.
i went out all day with my favorite people in the world. it was PERF!
:)
today i saw epic movie with Jess, Sam and Ryan. it was...a waste of money. seriouslyy.
i was so disappointed. it wasn't even funny. it was just shitty.
back to school tomorrow.
uughh.
but i'm ready.
it needs to happen. 3 days then WEEKEND.
thenn one more week and BREAKKK.
ahh its sooo close.
:):):)
Im so ready for summer.
soooo ready<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2007|06:05 pm] |
. Y E S . & . N O.
Rule #1: You can only answer "yes" or "no"
Rule #2: You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments and asks
Q: Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
A: yes
Q: Been arrested?
A: no
Q: Kissed someone you didn't like?
A: yes
Q: Slept in until 5 PM?
A: no
Q: Held a snake?
A: yes
Q: Been suspended from school?
A: no
Q: Been fired from a job?
A: no
Q: Sang karaoke?
A: yes
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
A: yes
Q: Laughed until you started crying?
A: yes
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
A: yes
Q: Kissed in the rain?
A: yes
Q: Sang in the shower?
A: helllooo..of course
Q: Sat on a roof top?
A: yes
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
A: yes
Q: Broken a bone?
A: no
Q: Shaved your head?
A: eww..NO
Q: Blacked out from drugs?
A: yes
Q: Played a prank on someone?
A: yes
Q: Felt like killing someone?
A: no
Q: Cried over someone you loved?
A: yes
Q: Donated Blood?
A: no
Q: Still like someone you shouldn't?
A: yes
. L A S T S .
1. You hung out with?
Erica
2. Rode in a car with?
Erica
3. Went to the movies with?
Natalie
4. Went to the mall with?
Jessica
5. You talked on the phone with?
Erica
6. Made you laugh?
Erica and Jessica
7. Last person you told and/or they told you they Loved you?
Ryan.
. W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R .
1. pierce your nose or tongue?
nose - i want it soo bad
2. Be serious or be funny?
i need to be both. but Im ALWAYS funnyy. :)
3. Drink whole or skim milk?
skim
4. Die in a fire or get shot?
get shot
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?
paretns obvi.
. A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y .
1. Do you like anyone?
yes i do.
2. Sun or moon?
sunn
3. Winter or Autumn?
umm neither. SUMMER.
4. left or right?
right.
5. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?
2 besties.
6. Sunny or rainy?
SUNNY:)
. A B O U T . Y O U .
1. Age?
16
2. First name
Sarah
3. Where do you wanna live?
New York.
4. How many kids do you WANT?
4
5. Do you want to get married?
yesss
6. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
sometimes i cut it other times i twirl it. i like to keep things interesting.
7. Have you ever eaten spam?
NEVER.
8. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
3.
10. Do you cook?
sometimes.
11. Current mood?
anxious
. I N . T H E . L A S T . 48 . H O U R S . H A V E . Y O U .
1. Kissed someone?
yes ma'am
3. Been hugged?
defintitelyy
4. Felt stupid?
of course.
5. Missed someone?
uh huh
6. Danced crazy?
every day.
8. Gotten your hair cut?
negative
9. Cried?
unfortunatelyy
10. Lied?
yepp.
. ST U F F .
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
no thanks
2. Do you have a dog?
yes. PIGGY<3
3. Whens the last time you've been sledding?
last year i thinkkk.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
someone else.
5. Do you believe in ghosts?
not at all.
6. Do you consider yourself creative?
yes actually. |
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| hiii |
[Feb. 2nd, 2007|11:49 pm] |
life is pretty good right now.
besides the fact that my brother could quite possibly be the laziest piece of sht i have ever met.
but I'M doing fine. i know how to deal. i'm NOT afraid to talk about my feelings. and i know who i can and can not talk to about how i feel.
FINALS were shitty - as usual. i wanted to die. but second semester is treating me good thus far.
I'm out of chem (thank god) seriouslyy i like understood stuff in that class but it just moved so fast and then when there was something i didn't understand i was just like WTF?! and hten toward the end fo the semester i just stopped caring altogether. which isn't good at all. but its whatev. I'm in geo science now and its soo cut and dry. like its the easiest thing ever. and YOWCHUANG is the teacher. love that guy.
so the boys swim team bleached their hair yesterday. and i want to diee. seiously its looks crazy..some guys are pulling it off but others..oyyyy :/
BTW i hate Mrs. Konwinski. if you have her. you HAVE to inderstand where I'm coming from. like i want to punch her in the face all the time.
uughh shes such a bitch. ewwww. :(
thats about all thats been going on besides the fact that coldstone has taken over my life. and i haven't seen kayleigh in days. which is weird since we've been attached at the hip for the last like 2 years.
hmmm..gotta love high school. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2007|05:46 pm] |
I HATE FINALS.
and the fact that i am the worst procrastinator and can find a milllion and ONE things I'd rather do then studyyy.
ughhhh.
but for someeee reasonnnn..
I CAN'T STOP SMILING.
:) |
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| lately I've felt.... |
[Jan. 20th, 2007|11:04 pm] |
mad, sad, frustrated, happy, excited, LOVE, despair, regret, fear, annoyance, overwhelmed, nervous, depressed(only for a fewww minutes), adrenaline, risky, horny, horrible, perfect, content, miserable.
I've basically felt every emotion that you can feel in the last week.
i mean honestly thats the list of the emotions I've been feeling since last weekend.
oyy veyyyy.
I'm better, But i'm not great.
it will get easier soon though, rightt? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|11:50 pm] |
love is amazing.
and i couldn't be any happier.
honestly.<3
BUTTT at the same time..the one year mark is creeping up on me like some mad mexican food.
oof its wayy too close and as much as i try not to think about it..whenever my dad says something about the swim-a-thon i think aobut how its the same day//weekend if the one hear and i freak out in my head.
oyy.
this is not going to be good.
however bridgey(whom i so cleverly started calling BIRD) said she would color with me and Natalie is my counter ( THANK GOD) and said she will occupy/let me talk/let me cry/BE THERE for me all night long.
and luckily i will be with Todd. so he will be on hand at all times.
the shitty part is i have to work at 1 on saturday. I'm gonna be wayy exhausted.
ickkyyy.
ewww and Mike (my dad) is working the swim-a-thon midnight to 9am. ewwwwyy. ewwwy mceww ewww. the one thing i didn't want and asked him NOT to do was work through the night. i wanted MY time. time to be with my friends destress and just be kinda sorta alone but with 200 other people at the same time. (if that makes sense)
but NO. uughh. i just don't want him working it especially with the whole one year thing..he'll just be obnoxious. and i will not be happy. and he will try to be all "i'm soo funny around my daughters friends to try to make myself look awesome when in all reality my daughter knows im the biggest asshole like ever."
shitfuckbitch.
so NOT excited.
i gotta go to bed.
lets hope for a good weekend filled with good people and not TOO many tears...
i do HOWEVER love my sisters. AKA my swim girlies and it will be good to have them around me, because after swimming for so long the one thing that you do realize is that you do need them aroond you. you need to know that they will always be there no matter what. and i knwo i have that. although i wish Hayley could be there. but i will prob call her.
okay I'm going to bed.
Peace<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|09:26 pm] |
Just when you think things can't get any better...
SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAD TO HAPPEN.
COOl.
if your excited for the swim-a-thon raise your hand.
(mine is wayy down.)
:( |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2007|05:34 pm] |
It's beeen soo long since I've updated. almost like a month.
HAPPY 2007!
christmas was weird. no mom, presents weren't great.. I mean it didn't bother me..I'm not selfish and upset if i don't get much..it's the thought that counts, and at least my dad tried but it was just weird not to have my mom their.
On christmas eve i called up Todd and we talked and i cried. and we talked some more. He kinda has a really good way of knowing exactly what to say so that i don't like freak out. it's really good nad I'm so glad to have him in my life.
i also talked to Todd on wednesday. about an important situation.
While talking to Todd i realized that the Swim-a-thon is on the same day//weekend as my moms passing. THE ONE YEAR MARK. which Todd said is the shittiest thing.
I just feel like maybe it will never go away. which in a way makes sense..but on the other hand..it shouldn't hurt liek this forever..right..i meanit can't. I just want to know why Todd is so normal, how do i get to THAT.
BREAK WAS AMAZING.
disregardding christmas..BREAK WAS SWEET.
i chilled with Erica, Ariel, and Shanna a bunch. and lets just say..we had FUN.
i may not remember ALL of it. but it was fucking sweet.
:)
Last night could have quite possibly been one of the greatest nights of my entire teenage life..THUS far.
My dad went out of town. and Gabe and i just partied it up. it was sweeet as fuck.
and me and wes are obvi BIFFS.
<3
I got a job at Coldstone. i got my first paycheck on tuesday. and it feels so good just to be able to say "i got my FIRST PAYCHECK".
but the first few days hurts your arms soo fucking bad. HONESTLY. i thought they were going to fall off.
:(
but its fun. and the people i work with are soo awesome. tongiht i work from 7-close. so if anyone wants to visit. it should be F-U-N.
thats about all i got.
I hate school but what else is new. i mean seriously.. who doesn't...?
PEACE<3 |
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| F to the U C K the E the D. |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|12:50 am] |
MY LIFE IS MESSY. end of storyy.
i would like to entertain you all with a quote that directly fits into my life.
"At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, thats how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines.....that are way too dangerous to cross."
honestly. has anyone else ever felt like they just weren't themselves? Like everything they knew and were used to was changing?
because thats how i feel. i feel like my whole life i have let boundaries keep me from doing what i want to do with who i want to do it with. but i am putting a stop to that RIGHT NOW. i am a junior in high school. i have more then 6 friends. and its not that i don't want to NEVER hang out with those 6 initial friends but i don't want to feel all tied down and shit. (i know this may sound harsh but thats not at all how i intend it to sound) its just i want to LIVE the teenage lifestylee. be wild. be crazy. HAVE FUN. nmake a bunch of friends. have different plans EVERY weekend. and honestly i don't think i should feel bad about that. i just feel....different. like a lot has changed. i can just tell that a lot of things are going to change this year. all i can hope is that its for the better.
i just really want these last two years of high school to mean a lot. i want to make a lot of new healthy friendships that will last but im not saying that i want to forget about the old ones. i just want this to be the time of my life. (isn't that what high school all about anywayy?)
UGH. i guess sometimes you just have to go with your gut. and see what the turn out is.
Peacee<3 |
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| Come on baby, catch my disease. |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|09:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Halftime - Ying Yang Twins | ] |
i feel like sometimes I'm mising out on life.
like i let other things get in the way and i only focus on what i want instead of viewing all the options.
and I've realized that i am wayyyy too stubborn. like if i don't want to do something. i just don't. theres no incentive. i just don't feel it. in example; my world history research paper, i didn't want to do it so i put it off and put it off and FINALLY did it the night before it was due at like midnight. and it was shitty becasue frankly i didn't really care. and i just feel like in order to get inot a good college or just get good grades in high school I'm gonna need to stop doing this. it's really one of my worst flaws.
UGHH I'm also realizing that I am the pickiest person when it comes to food its rediculous. I'm in food, diet, and Nutrition and today we had a thanksgiving feast and everyone was supposed to bring in food and i ate NONE OF IT. liek wtff? thats werid right? well if you know me it is. I ALWAYS EAT. I NEVER TURN DOWN FOOD(if i like it). but i just realized that i don't trust other people cooking the food I'm gonna eat unless its at a restaurant or like a parent. i just don't know. it's werid rightt? totally not normal. and i really hope that i grow out of this or wahtevv. if not i will be one weird ass adult.
well good news is, Hayley is home. and i get to hangout with her tomorrow.
bad news is, the reason shes home is horrible.
poor Ms. Smith is all i have to say. i totally feel for her.
:[
I skippped 1st hour today. and SLEPT. it was amazinggg. Then i went to my thanksgiving feast, kinda pointless. but whatevv.
I HAVE A HUGE CHEM TEST ON MONDAY.
and surprisingly I'm NOT nervi. YET....
and seriously like NO TEACHERS are gonna be at school tomorrow. and all i know is that i am def NOT going to 4th hour.
skipping at home. then HAYLEY SARAH TIME. woooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
so my job was supposed to start wednesday. but i had NO WAY of getting there because my brother is the dumbest person on the planet. and rear ended an envoy and fucked our car up GOOOOD.
and its been in the fucking shop for over a WEEK.
so i can't start coaching my little babies with Diane until probably monday because i really want to hang out with Hayley tomorrow. because i haven't seen her since homecomingg. and i cna't wait until i get to go visit her at stateeeee.
WOOO
:]:]
i also think that my "like" for this boyy has escalated into WAYY MORE. and to be totally honest. I'm not sure if I'm readyy. but i do know that I'm wiht the person that i want to be with. I have NEVER felt this way about anyone else in my entire life. ijust get butterflies everytime we talk and it just feels so right with him. and i can trust himand i feel safe. ITS AMAZINGG.
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]
PEACEEE |
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| why didn't i think of that? |
[Nov. 11th, 2006|05:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
i don't really know how i feel at this current stage in my life.
I'm happy. But I'm not satisfied. if that makes sense.
for the most part the boy situation is working itself out slowly but surely and i am starting ot realize that it may all work out in my favor.
i like that. i like it when i get what i want. although what teenage girl doesn't. I am a very stubborn young lady and if i don't get what i want. i make it known and i work my little tail off to get what i want. and thats exactly what i did. i saw waht i wanted, i went for it, and now i got it. and i feel accomplished yet satisfiedd.
:]
I'm also a little upset that my I tunes music store will NOT workk. this has been going on for about a week now and i am havign withdrawal. which i figured is probably not healthy nor is it convenient for me. but i want songs. so if anyone can help me solve this problem that would be greatt.
i saw the new Will Ferrell movie today. not as good as i thought it would be. but its not bad. its just outside of the box for Will. definitely nothing like Anchorman. not even a little.
<3 |
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| lightning never strikes in the same place twice. |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|09:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | mi casa | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | true life marathon. | ] |
wouldn't you know it.
Berkley WON league meet.
and wouldn't you know it..
i dropped NO time in my 500. and for a while i felt shitty. i don't efen want ot talk about how i felt wednesday night.
so then here comes fridayyy.
I'm feeling good on top of cloud nine, I'm in the FUCKING ZONE. feeling completely confident that I'm gonna kick some serious ass.
not for too longg.
I get on the bus and what do i realize...yea i FORGOT my swim suits. not just one...BOTH. fasat skin AND team suit. I FREAK OUT. i losee it. i start balling mackenzie has to step in and be a problem solver and call Bernie and have him bring it to me. so i wasn't feeling CONFIDENT about ANYTHING until BIG BERN broght me my suit. and i wouldhave cried the WHOLE WAY TO THEW MEET if ti wasn't for Rachel. she hit my emotions on the spot, knew my mind was getting the best of me, and stopped it before it got out of hand.
so i got my fast skin. I was feeling good feeling great. the 200 came and went. i went my best time. 2:12 somethingg. it was nicee.
500 came. lasted foreverr. ended. i cried. i cried some more. i felt like i didn't have the answer to doing good. i felt like shit. i felt like i was never going to get what i wanted out of swimming and that i should of just changed into my clothes and walked off deck right then and there. without giving it a second thought. just been dunzo. and i still am completely unsure of whether or not i am goingto be returning to the Berkley swim&dive team my senior year. It just drains me. i feel like no matter how hard i try Todd and Ashley are never going to give me teh attention i need//deserve. So i don't make states. does it really FCUKING matter? i mean i want to and i tryy. i came in 4th in my 500. haha, like i figured it was a BIG accomplishment. but nope. Todd high fived me but hten had 5 minute conversations with those who were lucky enoguh to make state cuts.
so whatev. i just don't know what to do or where to go from here. its kinda a shitty feeling. but i deal.
i am way excited we WON LEAGUES. and got to push Todd and Ashley in the pool. wooo. it was great.
and DIANE jumped in off the diving board. it was AMAZINGG.
then i didnt get home from the pie partyy untillike 2am. it was hands down the greatest pie partyy I've ever attended. the most fun i've had in a while.
:] |
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| So fresh and so clean, clean. |
[Nov. 1st, 2006|04:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HALLOWEEN. | ] |
I JUST SHAVED.
and it feels AMAZINGGG.
granted it is soft, smooth and also BLOTCHY. because my skin was so dry and disgusting that my reaction to shaving was less then stellarr. but whatevs i will put some of my FAV. lotion on before bed and be good to go.
:]
now at this time tomorrow night i will either be superr excited because i swam AMAZINGG at leagues tomorrow. OR i will be wayy wayy pissed/upset because i swam like shit. and at this point i can't really tell how im going to swim because sometimes i feel like i had a great taper but other times it felt like my taper was SHIT. so i really don't know. but i do know that i'm wayy nervi for a few reasons, 1)TODD WILL NOT BE AT LEAGUES TOMORROW NIGHT. (this is extremely upsetting because todd is MY coach. he is the DISTANCE coach.) SHIT. 2) i'm not real sure about how well my SB will like her gift..the plan i originally had fell through and i had to kinda do some improv. lets hope for the best. 3) IT'S FUCKING LEAGUES. we are scored out right now to win by 20. thats kinda a lot of pressure. oyy oyyy oyy. i don't know how to feel and with my CURRENT times i am seeded top 8 in BOTH my events. 7th in my 200 and 4th in my 500. it would be soo great to MEDAL at leagues. this is something that i have never experienced before and it would just feel great.
:]
:]
hahah. i am a FAILLURE. i have a rough draft english paper due tomorrow 3rd hour and i literally have NO time to do it. so i need to talk to Mrs. Campeau about seeing if i can score an extended deadline on it. is that allowedd? I HOPE SO. i really really need it.
well I'm tired nad gabe and I have been watching the halloween marathon on AMC all night. its sooo fucking good. good ass moviesss. not extremely scary but a perfect amount of scare to get the adrenaline rushingggg. it really is a GREAT halloween movie marathon.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
:] |
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| My Wish; for you. |
[Oct. 25th, 2006|01:42 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my FAT assss | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Wish - Rascal Flatts | ] |
well its been a while. but i seriously NEVER have time to sit down and write about whats going on in life, i'm too busy living it, and trying to keep up with it.
its kinda shittyy. BUT swim season is almost DUNZO. and i could do a dance, thats how excited i am. I'm seriously so exhausted its not even funny. i can barely carry on a conversation with my family when i come home from practice or whatev because im so tired and sick and fed up with swimminggg. its rediculous. i mean it really is funny how you think you love something, but then after certain events or losses in my case your opinion on the subject does a 360 and totally changess. i really dont understand it, like at all. But contrary to what i say, i probably will swim my senior year, i'm not about ot pull a gabe, i mean i've made it this far seriously whats the point in quitting now..? right...its just stupid, its one more season. i can do it. and as much as it doesnt seem like it, those girls are the only family i know. I can count on them for anything. I've met the most amazingg people through swimming and if i didnt have them in my life right now god only knows where i would be. I'm seriously so emotional about this subject that its hatd to handle. and i could go on and on about how much all those girls (and Tod) mean to me. but who really wants to read about all that gusshy stuff....
the point is. as much as i want to quit the team and as overwhelming as it gets, i know i can handle it and get through ANYTHING with those girls by my side. and thats all i need. END OF STORY.
ALSO, i FINALLYY went to see a therapist. i was excited because i OBVS. desperately needed the help. and i think its going to be a good outcome. It's like a family counseling once a month and once a week individually with each of us. i think i'm gonna like ittt.
:]
I also have a JOB for after swim season. and I'm kinda excited because its not a boring job that i know i would hate, its a interesting, fun, challenging kinda job. I will be coaching a 7 & 8th grade swim team with Diane. (our diving caoch) im so pumpeddd. she may not always pay me, but it will be fun. she really likes me, god only knows why. but hey i take what i can get. shes such a sweetheart, i really trust her and Todd for that matter. Todds a good fella, believe it or not. i wish i was lying, because trust me sometimes i wish i could hate him, but i just can't he's like my big brother he knows what i'm dealing with and i know if i need anything i can count on him to be there. So i guess i kinda got that going for me.
Now you wanna talk about the whole boy situation, please don't even get me started. i am literally so confused that i don't know what to think anymore. I like him, i thought he liked me, but hey hes my brothers so i can't really expect instant results. but i reallly really really want INSTANT results. i like him so much that i can barely focus on anything else, i often find myself blowing off my friends to hang out with him, if i know hes coming over i find little excuses to stay home or whatevv. its bad. but i swear i am completely and totally in LOVE with him. and i don't know what to do, because i feel like he feels the same way. oyyy. this is some kinda pickle.
:[
and he has AMAZING eyes. i am hypnotized by them, they are gorgeous. a MAJOR turn-on. of this i am sure.
I have a marketing quiz tomorrow. i should be studying. i should also be in my room memorizing my polyatomic ions. wooops. chem is HARD. like really frustratingly HARD. and i dont like that. yucka. it sucks.
pooop
:[
ahhh shit poop. i just remembered that i have to type up my final specialized activity for marketing. i should do that.
LOVE
<3 |
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| Your always on my mind. |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|10:17 pm] |
First of alll its fucking OCTOBER and it SNOWED out todayyy.
thats rediculous. i want to vomit. i swear, mark my words i will NOT wear my varsityy jacket until DECEMBER 1ST. thats a PROMISE.
AND our swim meet tonight was a little bit rediculous. I mean i don't want to sound like a bitch but why do we keep having meets where the teams are not so awesome, and we are racing against ourselves. i really don't get it. I mean don't get me wrong i have a LOT of respect for Pontiac Northern because they didn't give up and they gave it their all. but it was seriously just INSANELYYY redonk. and i feel super bitchy for saying it because a team is a team and a meet is a meet and every meet should be treated the same, go in there with a positive atttitude and be CLASSY. It was just REALLLLY hard to take this meet seriously. but i did, and i ended up going a kick ass time in my 400 free relay and pulling our relay ahead of the SENIOR//freshman relay.
Todd split us up into senior//freshman against juniors//sophomores. and whoever won gets to MAKE THEIR OWN PRACTICE (it has to be approved by Todd and Ashley of course) JUNIORS//SOPHIES WON. we are thinking a waterpolo practice. but we are rallying tomorrow after schoool, before practice.
speaking of tomorrow.
ITS HOMECOMINGGGGGGG.
ahh i am soo pumped. my shirt came out so fucking sweeet. i seriously can't handle it. it's a PERFECT swirl. :)
and at the dance i am going ot look so slutttyy.
but seriouslyy, homecoming is the ONE dance where you can get away with looking like a slut. SO EXCITED.
and i want pictures with EVERYONE. seriouslyyy. EVERYONE.
boo for it being cold.
YAY for Hayley coming home tomorrow.
and the chem test was NOT as bad as i thought it would be. there was this one question about wavelength i i knew NOTHING about. yuck. it was shitttyyyy. so of course, i left it blank, its what i do. i should PROBABLY go talk to Mrs. Naddeau about gettinga bit of help. and Erin Archieee is suppoesed to tudor me, but seriously when the hell do we have time to meet to talk about CHEM? all we do is swim and talk about boys and LAUGH HYSTERICALLy when we are togetherrr. so i really hope this whole tudor situation works out.
im tired and still need to go write on my JUNIORS SHIRT.
PEACE & LOVE
<3 |
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| you think you know me, word on the street is that you do. |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|10:07 pm] |
I HATE SWIMMING.
i seriously shoudl have quit in the beginnging. now we are too far into the season adn it would be pointless and lame. if i'm going to do it im going to do it for the whoe fucking time. UUUGGHH. i just hate it.
i should be studying for my BIG ASS CHEM TEST i have tomorrow. i am freaking out. i will probably fail it. which won't be goood. but that class is redic. its like work work work. TEST. more work, QUIZ. workkkkkkk. fuckshitbitch. thats how i feel about that class.
regardelss HOMECOMING IS THIS WEEKEND. which means HAYLEYYYYYY is COMING HOMEEEEEEE. and Rachel will be home for the meet on tuesdayy. WOW. i seriously miss those girls so much its insaneeee. i am so so so so excited to see Hayley. i feel like i haven't seen her in a fucking year. soo WOOOOO. but apparently its supposed to snow on fridayyy. EEWWW.
BY THE WAY: BERKLEY BEAST WEST BLOOMFIELD YESTERDAY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVERRRRRRRRR.
it was pretty fucking amazinggg. although i swam shittyyy. i went my BEST 200 time. but my 500 makes me want to vomit. all over Todds shoes. fuck.fuck.fuck. but i was a part of the realy that basically WON us the meet. so yay for that happeninggg.
i really reallly really like this one guy. (no names) if you know who it is you knwo how bad i like him. an dit sucks because i swear he likes me too but a few things are getting in the way of our relationship happeningg and it suckssssss. I REALLY LIKE HIM.
I HATE BOYSSS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERINNN.
I LOVE YOU
<3
swim meet again tomorrow.
HUMP ME.
:/ |
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